Autism is the Reason I Abuse You

TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE and ABLEISM

For those who don’t know me from my online presence, I tend to be outspoken about Autism Speaks. The corporation has been working on reforming its image in the last few years. However, the legacy of their inflicted damage is so profound that it cannot be easily sanitized or redeemed. Language around autism has forever been altered by Autism Speaks in ways that have turned Autistics into a focal point for fear. The memory of their “I Am Autism” commercial cannot be easily erased from people’s memories. The following is a direct quote from the commercial:

*sinister male voice plays while the image of children flashes in the background*    

I am invisible to you until it’s too late. I know where you live. With every voice I take away, I acquire yet another language. I work faster than pediatric AIDS, cancer, and diabetes combined. If you’re happily married, I will make sure that your marriage fails. Your money will fall into my hands, and I will bankrupt you for my own self gain. I don’t sleep, so I make sure you don’t either. I will make it virtually impossible for your family to easily attend a temple, birthday party, or public park without embarrassment. You have no cure for me. I derive great pleasure out of your loneliness. I will fight to take away your hope. I will plot to rob you of your children and your dreams. You are scared, and you should be. I am autism. You ignored me. That was a mistake. 

For those who think I am making up how terrible the commercial was, you can look it up on Youtube and see it for yourself.

Autism Speaks set a terrible precedence for what would be considered acceptable for how Autistic people could be spoken about in media. We are called sociopaths, burdens, home-wreckers, and worse. Sometimes the portrayals are upfront about their intentions, and sometimes they give the cloying sense of having the best wishes of people with autism at heart. In a way, I’d rather read something written by a person who is clownishly forthright about their prejudice, who doesn’t hide behind the idea that they are legitimate advocates. It would be easier to deal with than something produced by a corporation who claim to be helping Autistic people. There would be less danger of the public buying into it.

It is an unfortunate reality that some of the worse damage done to Autistic people is done by those closest to them. This is demonstrated in the two articles I am going to mention. The blogger of one of the articles appears to have decided autism is the reason her former partner was abusive. As a person who had an abusive spouse, I feel for the pain she suffered. However, I  know it’s a mistake on her part to blame autism. Autistics are far more likely to be the victims of spousal abuse than the perpetrators. I should know.

The blogger of the second article talks about how she loves her husband. However, she proceeds to rip him to shreds. This writer appeals to an audience looking for ways to connect to their Autistic partners while the first blogger is very straightforward about her negative feelings about Autistics. The first blogger is easier to set aside than the second because you want to give the second one the benefit of the doubt about her intentions. In the comment section of the second blogger many other spouses of Autistic people say they are reading her work. Many of these comments relate to her challenges and express unhappiness in their marriages, which they blame on their partner being Autistic. In comparison, the first blogger’s unvarnished vitriolic writing results in most of the comments in her comment section defend Autistic people.

Blogger #1 normally writes about Mental Health issues. Considering the way she writes about autism, it is difficult to imagine the tone of her writing about other forms of neurodivergence are more enlightened. Frustratingly, Blogger #1 points to how only Autistic people attacked her for what she had, saying this was further evidence that they are the abusive and that they as dangerous as she makes them out to be. Mentally ill people are amongst the most marginalised in our society. It isn’t always easy for a mentally ill person to confront prejudice. It’s risky and draining. If they are Doxxed as a response to standing up for themselves, social stigma around mental illness could have real life consequences.

Please, don’t reach out to Blogger #1. Nothing good could come from it. She won’t listen to anything you have to say, but she will attack you and treat you as less than human.

Here are some horrifying examples from her post about Autistic people:

“…if you get involved in a relationship with an “Aspie”, as they’re called, you will get hurt. Badly.”

 “…a key feature of their disorder is the inability to understand their disorder.”

 “Aspies are very similar to sociopaths, with the most obvious exception being that sociopaths are socially charming and aspies are socially awkward. Despite the lack of empathy, one of the core traits of a sociopath, aspies are treated as totally legitimate in our society.”

 “…get it tattooed on your f**cking head or whatever, I don’t care what you do, just stick with your own kind and stop destroying people!!!”

 “…life’s too short to deal with assholes, no matter what their hangup is… Just because you clueless dumbasses don’t mean to hurt someone, doesn’t mean that you don’t.”

 “…go back to tracking weather statistics… stick with your own kind is all I’m saying.”

Blogger #1 appears to want to prove all Autistic people have ZERO empathy. She starts by quoting David Finch, from his book called Love is Blind – Marriage is the Eye-Opener. Why does she use this quote? Hint: David Finch is Autistic, and he blames this fact for the destruction of his marriage.

Blogger #1 repeatedly writes about how ‘They’ try to censor her. ‘They’ stalk her online.  It is depressing to see someone who believes they know so much about Autistic people, but fails to understand we are not a homogenous group. The Autistic community has intersectionality of race, religion, language, culture, nationality, socio-economic background, gender etc.

Blogger #1 claims everything she writes is protected under free speech. What does that have to do with what people say in response? Isn’t that also protected under free speech? Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you will be free from backlash.

For this next point, I am going to use a direct quote because it so precisely demonstrates the position I am arguing:

“Now if you do a Google search on “Asperger’s and Empathy”, you’ll see something strickingly at odds with that fact (the “fact” she refers to her is that people with autism have ZERO EMPATHY) – you’ll find an endless stream of links to articles claiming “not only do Aspies have empathy, we have much more of it than neurotypicals!” All these articles are written by Aspies themselves, and they should know, right? Don’t believe it for a moment! Remember what I said above – a key feature of their disorder is the inability to understand their disorder. 

Blogger #1 goes on to clarify her opinion that if Autistic people call themselves empathetic, it is an assessment that can’t be trusted unless it it verified by the non-Autistic individuals in their lives. This is the feedback loop – the very act of claiming to have empathy is proof you do not have empathy.

Blogger #1 really often quotes Simon Baron-Cohen to prove her points. Baron-Cohen also suggests asking the people in an Autistic person’s life if they are empathetic, saying  they are a more reliable source. She wants to make a point so she finds material that proves it. I can do the same with the idea that Autistics DO have empathy. It is called a CONFIRMATION BIAS.

People with autism can read emotions, feel empathy

We May Have Been Wrong About Autism And Empathy

Children with autism spectrum disorder are empathic

A Radical New Autism Theory

 

I would love to hear about the articles you’ve read. If you have links, all the better.

Now for Blogger #2. As I’ve already stated, her spouse is Autistic. She refers to him as having Asperger’s Syndrome.

I am going to list words/sentences/phrases she uses that were insulting/incorrect:

• “High-Functioning” – People really need to quit using this. In my experience, it is used to silence people on one end of the spectrum by suggesting they aren’t “Autistic enough” to have the right to talk about autism. It is also used to suggest that people on the other end are incapable of having opinions worth listening to and gives permission for people to feel free to speak for them.
• “Notable lack of common sense” – Have you watched Youtube?
• “Brain disorders” – While not technically incorrect, in the context of everything else, it really bothers me.
• “More common in men” – Nope. It is more diagnosed in men. Research is trying to draw attention to ways autism looks different in men than women, but even this is too simplistic. What about people who describe their gender and sexual identities outside of straight, male, and female?
• “The shortcomings of adults with Asperger’s Syndrome have been camouflaged beneath layers of coping strategies and defence mechanisms.” – Yes, Autistic people have coping strategies and defence mechanisms. Seeing these described as ways to camouflage our shortcomings made me throw-up in my mouth just a little. Our strategies often are the result of years of torture through Applied Behaviour Analysis techniques or simply having to live with the hypocrisy and double-standards of a society that lays the blame at our feet for any social interaction we’re involved in going sour.
• Behaviour comes off as “odd” or “eccentric” but is “passable” because they offer something special to society in the way of specialised skills or intelligence – This attitude is the bane of marginalised groups. It isn’t enough for a person of colour to be good at their job. They have to be the best. It isn’t enough for an Autistic to be gainfully employed. If they are anything less than extraordinary, someone is going to call them a “burden to society”. I recently wrote a blog about how terrifying the word “burden” is for people with disabilities. If you want to read it, click on this link: Burden – A Heavily Weighted Word
• “Appears normal” – The context of this was that her friends see her spouse as “normal”, so they don’t understand her “suffering” and won’t give her the sympathy when she expresses these thoughts. She says this leaves her “isolated”.
• “Spouses play an abnormally large caregiver role” – She says that her spouse doesn’t do his share of chores and isn’t emotionally available. Right, because no spouse of a non-Autistic person has ever said anything similar. *sarcasm*
• “Although people with Asperger’s Syndrome do feel affection towards others, relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for people who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome.” – I can’t help thinking of a Medical Doctor who asked my cousin if she cares about other people, and what they think of her. When she answered that she does, he told her this is proof she isn’t really Autistic. What a jackass. In my experience, we spend so much time thinking about relationships and interactions, we wind ourselves up into big balls of anxiety. Sometimes we have to walk away from it just to be able to get our minds and bodies straight again.
• “Afflicted” – Ugh. It’s like she thinks we are diseased. Gross.
• Lack of Empathy – In my experience, which is increasingly being reflected in research, many Autistic people are Hyper-Empathetic. They feel responsible for the whole damn world, which often is why people with autism are left-leaning and social justice activists. We feel people’s emotions like a physical assault.
• In many cases, the Asperger partner analysed the partner prior to marriage and assessed them as being capable of filling a compensatory role for his own deficits. – This sentence is so repulsive, I feel like it speaks for itself. She goes on to say the non-Asperger partner takes on the role of a personal assistant in a business relationship rather than a marriage. She also says this spouse will feel betrayed by not having their expectations of a mutual/equal relationship met.
• “Sacrifice” – It ranks right up there with “burden” on the obnoxious word list for people with disabilities.
• “Flexibility is exploited” – Here again, the Autistic person is framed as abusive. This is coming from the non-Autistic partner who writes about their Autistic partner in this way. She goes on to talk about these things damaging the non-Autistic partner’s self-esteem. Seriously? You wrote THIS BLOG about your spouse and you want to talk about your self-esteem and empathy?
• Suggests the non-Autistic partner evaluate whether there is enough value in the marriage to continue, while also suggesting they keep all their financial affairs separate. I would love to suggest to her husband that he do the same.

My suggestion: Start reading with a discerning eye. Start questioning the message put out in the world by articles. Stop supporting the toxic representation of autism.

Please read my petition for changes to the Canadian Disability Pension Plan and share it.

https://chng.it/zCNbdvRdVG